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Miss Sass

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[18 Aug 2009|07:46pm]

by two towels hanging on a line to dry, a soft breeze, and a setting sun through trees and a broken fence.
1 shattered like glass| break so easy

July Week 2 Entry [10 Jul 2008|03:39pm]
"The Surgery"

 "Does it hurt when I do this?", the doctor asks me as he pushes on my chest.
I nod.
"How about this?" He presses again, changing the area of impact slightly.
I nod and wince.
"Well, honey, I would say just lay low for a bit. Take a few asprin. It may be nothing more than a pulled muscle. If the pain continues after a week or two, come back in and we'll X-ray you, alright?" The statement is followed by a flash of those handsome, white teeth.

I hear his smooth voice touch my ears. He is using the trick that doctors keep up their sleeves. It makes you forget that there could be something deadly laying dormant underneath your skin, now surfacing, ready to take you over and force you to suffer miserably for years.
He leaves and I dress. 

Home now, I continue as normal. The routine that fuels me must be done, pain or not.
Mentally I yell at myself for lying to the doctor. I told him it was a minor chest pain that started only a few days ago.
I didn't feel it necessary to go into details. Does it really make a difference if the pain, now intensifying over the period of three months, keeps me up at night? Leaves me unable to focus? Has me crying some mornings on the bathroom floor, gripping my skin until it starts to bruise?
My omission when he asked may be an answer.

The battle I am having goes on until the lights turn off.
I shut the door.
I slip under the covers.
I pray.
I feel sleep come.

Mixed into my dreams are such strange things. I do not rest easy. And suddenly, as happens to all of us at one point or another, I immediately wake knowing the answer. But, instead of becoming instantly aware of of where my keys are, or the title of a song I have wracked my brain over, I know the source of my pain. I know where it hurts.
I know why it hurts.

My legs swing over the bed. I feel the wave of nausea come. My chest feels like it is being destroyed from the inside out.
What to do. What to do.
The bathroom seems like the logical destination.
I stumble through my bedroom, gasping for air and tasting my tears. The light flicks on. I think I am sweating more water than my body holds.

The mirror is before me.
I close my eyes and let the images from my dream flicker past my wet, hot eyelids. I let my thoughts simmer for only a moment.
I am not naturally brave. It s now or never. I open my eyes to white knuckles gripping the sink. I notice fresh vomit.

I unbutton my shirt; a process lengthened tenfold by my uncontrollably shaking fingers.
Naked, I stand. 
I breath.
The blade easily pops out of my razor. I rinse it.

I cut cleanly around my left breast. The face cloth in my mouth muffles the screams.
I realize this is one of those moments where adrenaline makes you do miraculous things. Like a mother, lifting a car to save her child. Instead, I am allowed to cut myself as deep as I need to.
Deeper and deeper.
The sternum appears. Funny, it's much whiter than I thought it would be.

The sink is now stained with blood. My hands are dripping. My feet make ripples in the puddles on the floor as I try to stay standing.
I know I am seeing things I never should.

The flesh peels back easily.
I will pass out soon. I must be quick.

My heart is still beating fiercely. It is angry at this intrusion.
I do not feel bad.

The valves and veins cut without effort. I pull hard until I hear the final snaps and the powerhouse of my body lays soft in my hands.
I watch it struggle for life.
I smile.

And, just as my dream told me to do, I turn it over slowly.
There, in the bottom corner, your name is etched.
It is scarred and poorly stitched. Pus oozes from the open sores surrounding it. The yellow and green infection looks like that Granny Smith Apple crayon in the sixty-four count box.
Now all the hurting makes sense,
My body was rejecting what didn't belong.
Free of the intruder, the pain disappears.

I fall to the floor, bleeding to death.
I could call for help, but why?
They would come, put my heart on ice, sew me back together, and tell me how lucky I am to be alive.

No thank you.

Lord, please take me tonight into your arms. Alone.

3 shattered like glass| break so easy

July Week 1 Entry [02 Jul 2008|09:26pm]
The day I left you, I sat and I waited.
The day I left you, I counted one thousand four hundred and ten leaves on a tree.
The day I Ieft you, I heard two hundred and six cars drive by.
Then you came.

I told myself that I needed it; that I had come to love you less and less.
I also told myself I would not cry. If I did, you'd still win. You had that stupid part of me that I wanted back.
Showing my distress only made you happier. Well, I was miserable. But I was taking you down with me.

The door closed.
I heard you yell my name.
I told you I was leaving.

What followed is a series of words and events that only my heart will know. I can never repeat them. I fear that unleashing them among the world of air and molecules and atoms would make them absolute. Hearing them again would make me sink lower than I did while living in those moments. I am barely staying afloat as it is.

The bag with your stuff dropped at your feet, along with my built up reasons.
You tore me down piece by piece. But I stayed strong. I let your anger fuel me. Not once did I flinch, weep, or sniffle.

You turned to leave, trash bag of belongings in hand. The crunch of the gravel under your feet almost gave a rhythm to the obsceneties you shouted.

And in that new moment I loathed you.
I let myself be freed from your grasp and fell into the inviting and familiar hands of hate. I felt energized. I was alive.
But in a duct, one tiny, single duct, the pressure mounted. I could feel it beginning to squeeze despite my false relief.
And suddenly...


That tear was so heavy as it rolled down my cheek.
The sound of it exploding against the solid ground was thunderous.
I looked up.
You turned.
And you smiled.
7 shattered like glass| break so easy

Introoooooooduction for brigits_flame. [30 Jun 2008|10:51am]

Hello everyone, I'm 0_dizzynoise_0. I stole my name from a line in a song. I love music. I've spent a better part of my life (though it hasn't been long) trying to express how much it moves me. Everyone knows that feeling you get in the car when driving and that chorus comes on. You sing at the top of your lungs, uninhibited in the dark with the wind rushing through open windows. It's a feeling of being infinite. I wish I could give each person a glimpse of how amazing that feels. Also, on an almost related topic, I want to change the world.
To move on to something different entirely, I have two new kitties. They are terrors and they climb my curtains. I call them Crazy and Jumbo, affectionately. I also have an amazing boyfriend and somewhat inherited son (his child). They're great and take up most of my time.
But, all anyone really needs to know about me are these few facts:
I can't sing, love to eat, dance like a fiend, and work too much.
Hello again, everyone!

1 shattered like glass| break so easy

[05 Feb 2008|11:49am]
I hate being sick because it makes my poop weird and irregular.
break so easy

[09 Jul 2007|05:24pm]
drowning in a sea spilled from a cup.
1 shattered like glass| break so easy

[02 Jun 2007|02:53pm]
sir trevor is a magnificent concert buddy.
had a blast.

sarah left for texas today. it wasn't a good time. i'm gonna miss her<3
break so easy

[31 May 2007|09:53am]
[ mood | happy ]

my best friend and most likely life partner is home from school.
i have had my first official beach trip and with it my first sunburn.
consumed a monumentally delicious strawberry coolata.
eaten grilled corn.
summer has begun.

also, i have new kitties and they are amazing and i love them.

mia's the black one and pilot's the gray one.

thanks baby for letting us get kitties =) i love you!
and you too handsome. i miss you!

1 shattered like glass| break so easy

[24 May 2007|05:42am]
so my life is amazing.
i'd just like to throw that out there.
3 shattered like glass| break so easy

[03 Apr 2007|02:19am]
well, this past week was fairly disasterous, awful, and hard.

but monday is a new day in new sweatpants and i think i just might make it.

this bowel movement, however, may not.
2 shattered like glass| break so easy

[21 Mar 2007|09:57am]
i have lost my favorite sweatpants in the history of the universe.
my nerves are shot.
break so easy

[17 Feb 2007|08:21am]
i got keys.
i'm very kind of speechless and surprised and happy.

yeah. =)
2 shattered like glass| break so easy

happy 5 months big kitty<3 [13 Feb 2007|08:42am]
ski trip was quite goodly.
tubing was a blast.
i am the nerf sniper master.
also, paycheck is my favorite movie of all time.
1 shattered like glass| break so easy

[06 Feb 2007|02:45am]
haaaaaaaaaaappy birthday brady!
break so easy

[05 Feb 2007|08:47am]
i'm not gonna lie. some days i miss her so fucking much it hurts.

[01 Feb 2007|08:28am]
so i got my valentine's day presents today.
ridiculously early 'cause the boy can't keep surprises.
they are awesome.
i got a new asian chinese food bag which is magnificently green.
and i got a ring from tiffanys.
it's nothing short of amazing.

he is way too good to me. thank you SO much baby!!! i love them!!!!and i love you.<3
3 shattered like glass| break so easy

[13 Jan 2007|09:53pm]
yeah, that's right.

i get hit on even while wearing a heart monitor.

i'm just that fantastic.
2 shattered like glass| break so easy

[12 Jan 2007|06:44pm]
i'm sorry that i hate you right now.
i don't mean to.
but i'm mad you're making me go i don't want to and i'm really scared and nervous and it's easier to be mad at you then to think about something being wrong.

it's stupid and wrong and i'm sorry.

[10 Jan 2007|09:36am]
who knew i could love a wet tea bag so much hahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
1 shattered like glass| break so easy

[18 Dec 2006|01:58am]
[ mood | tired ]

i had a fantastic birthday weekend and am now so exhausted my entire body hurts. i sit here, making an attempt at remedying this situation by drinking tea in my pajamas.

i think, somehow, i have managed to suspend actual mental logic. as a result, i have become an actual character in a dream i've been having since i was a little kid.
it's very cool.

3 shattered like glass| break so easy

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